Friday, June 5, 2009

Injustice Is Another Word For This Sucks And I'm Angry

I am angry, really, really angry.

I visited daughter #2 today (mother of Zachary, Tanner & Sophie.) Chrissy is now on stress leave . She cried as she told me things were getting to be too much for her. The progression of Tanner’s disease and its inevitable outcome is beginning to take its toll.

Chrissy is a brave, strong woman, but today I saw an emotionally drawn, defenseless young woman. She has filled her life and Tanner’s with almost manic-like activity, but the reality of his disease is catching up with her and I am worried. Chrissy is crashing.

Tanner’s father and Chrissy have been separated for almost two years now and he is as useless as tits on a board. He can not now, nor has he ever been, able to deal with Tanner’s Muscular Dystrophy. He has not been paying his share of childcare expenses, he has not been paying child support regularly and he can’t cope with having the children for an extended period of time. Tanner’s father has had no part whatsoever in the house being refitted to wheelchair accessibility, the van being equipped with a lift, the bimonthly trips to Children’s Hospital in Vancouver, the frequent meetings with physiotherapists, occupational therapists, school support staff and so on & so on! He is embarrassed that he has a visibly disabled child. I am surprised Chrissy has held on this long.

My husband and I take the kids when we can and when it works for Chrissy. The distance we live from each other sometimes interferes with visiting. We will have Tanner and Sophie this weekend, so that Chrissy can have some much needed respite.

I guess I am more angry at Tanner’s father than anything. I don’t get how a 45-year old man can be such an irresponsible prick. Why is it that women end up with the short end of the stick. I’ve had a few glasses of wine and I am rambling and I may sound bitter, but when I sit and watch my child weep because she’s had enough it rips my heart out and I want to corner my ex son-in-law and rip his balls off and stuff them in his mouth. I want to say “be a man, love this child, show him and the world that disabilities don’t matter – Tanner’s disabilities are not a reflection of your precious manhood!"

Tanner is the sweetest little man in the world and it tears both me and my husband apart when Tanner wants to play soccer (like his sister) and we have to say “Tanny, you can’t." When Tanner wants to go to the river to walk around and pick rocks (like we used to) and we have to say “Tanner, you can't." What makes it even worse is that Tanner understands what we are saying. Tanner has no friends, he doesn’t have play dates because he’s different and most parents are as cruel as their children. It is fucking killing me and it’s killing my daughter.

Chrissy deals with all of this, alone – yes, she has wonderful, supportive friends and family, but at the end of the day it’s just Chrissy at home, by herself.

I spent twenty years in a profession helping children and families. I advocated and fought for justice for those who could not advocate or fight for themselves. There is nothing in this world that I abhor more than injustice. I always felt that because I was so blessed and my daughters were so privileged that I had a responsibility to advocate for those families and children who were not as fortunate as we were.

But I can’t seem to do anything to alleviate or ameliorate the injustice that is occurring in my family.

I have said my piece, thank you for listening.

78 comments:

  1. My heart is absolutely breaking for you and for Chrissy and for Tanner. It's not fair, not fair at all, and your anger is justified. I have no words of true comfort, because I'm not sure there really are such things for a situation like this. I will pray for you all. That's all I can do.

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  2. As a parent of a disabled child I have been shocked and disappointed to learn that the supports I believed were in place are not.
    I cannot imagine doing this as a single mom. Unfortunately too many dads just crack under the pressure. My friend is now a single mom of premature twins as her husband would not step up and help out.
    I am so sorry you all have to endure this and I do hope you get a chance to serve Chrissy's ex his balls.

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  3. I'm so sorry for all of you. There's nothing to say but it really sucks and I'm sorry.

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  4. If you are an example of a bad grandma, then I hope to be one myself one day. Your love for your family is crystal clear. I'm sorry for your pain.

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  5. It's incredibly unfair, and doubly so on account of your daughter's ex-husband being such a selfish, self-centered coward. It's bad enough he refuses to be there for his own children; the very least he could do is to financially support his children and your daughter who is carrying the load.

    I'm so sorry. What a miserable, miserable state of affairs.

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  6. So sad that people are so afraid of what's different, that they would rather just hide away than to risk facing it. Your daughter is fortunate to have you to shoulder some of the pain away.

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  7. By telling this story - Tanner's story - hopefully, maybe, at the very least, the next time some parent is embarrassed or afraid or shocked or what-the-hell-ever to even look in the direction of a disabled child, to make contact, to treat the child like a god-damned child somewhere in there in spite of the disability...

    Instead, maybe they will remember this post. Or remember one of your daughter's posts. And it will give them the courage to just act like a human being to another human being. And modeling that behavior to their child will begin to make all the difference in the world, one child at a time.

    I hope this happens for Tanner. Yes, people are only human and it's hard to be the first one to break the mold of fear or embarrassment. But that's still a poor excuse. A child without play dates because it might be hard on other kids to relate to Tanner (which I'm guessing is what is happening)? Life is hard; it's no excuse to be cruel. And yes, parents need to step in and model good behavior.

    Sorry for my rant. The whole shunning thing - for any kid - drives me bat-crap crazy.

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  8. There is really nothing to say, except I am saying a prayer for your family. Also, I'm asking God to throw a little karma at your Ex-SIL. It is a bitch you know!

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  9. THIS is how a Dad should behave. Maybe you can get DadCentric to go hand Tanner's NOT-father his head on a platter. http://www.dadcentric.com/2009/06/once-was-lost.html

    My heart breaks for you all.

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  10. More long-distance good thoughts for you, your daughter, and Tanner. We are keeping him in our thoughts. How frustrating for that exuberant spirit to be trapped in a body that won't cooperate! Here's hoping you all find some things soon that bring you joy in the midst of the coping.

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  11. Sigh. I am so sorry. I can't even imagine the pain and frustration that comes from having to deal with someone so senseless, and a situation itself that is so heartbreaking. How frustrating it must be for Tanner to never get any respite from being different. How incredibly lucky for him, though, that he has a family that loves him so, so dearly, that is doing everything it can to make his life a little better and easier. That is what will form his dearest memories, the love that all of you showed him, and that he could return. clearly, those parents and kids who are so narrow minded that they can't see past the wheelchair need to go to hell. that's ridiculous, that in this day and age of awareness, Tanner is still treated this way.

    I've never seen anything about support groups on Catherine's blog.... I'm sure you have all considered it, but why not? It might give Chrissy an outlet and friends for Tanner who know *exactly* what he is going through. Whenever I see Tanner's name I take a minute to send an extra prayer his way. Poor boy, but lucky boy for having all of you.

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  12. What a jerk. He should be publicly ridiculed for acting that way.

    And this is why we need betters laws to get ex-spouses to pay child support in full, on time, all the time.

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  13. This is so heartbreaking and my heart goes out to you and your family. Your daughter and your grandchildren are very lucky to have you in their lives.

    I was struck by something that you wrote, though. The dad walked out, but that doesn't mean that the mom got the short end of the stick. We all know that the joy in parenthood comes not from having the "perfect child", because no one does, really, but in providing our children with what they need.

    A parent who turns his back on his/her children is damaged to the extent that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. It's an empty life, I think.

    I wish you and your family the very best.

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  14. I can literally feel my body tense, my jaw clench and my blood pressure rise when I read about dads like that. No, excuse me *fathers* like that -- because he is no *dad.* I am so sorry that your daughter has to shoulder the weight without a partner, and that you have to bear witness. It just sucks.

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  15. I'm sorry. I'm sorry Tanner's so sick, I'm sorry Chrissy is having such a hard time, I'm sorry the dad is such an idiot.

    And even though know you only through this blog, I would dearly love to help, if only I could. I'd come figure out a way for him to play soccer, bring my kids for a play date, do something... because he deserves that.

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  16. I will be praying for your daughter, her family and especially her son.

    How incredibly frustrating that this child's father is a dick.

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  17. I cannot imagine what goes through the mind of a parent who does not want their child to befriend a child with disabilities. They are all just children, no matter what.

    It breaks my heart that anyone, that your family, has to go through this. I will do all I can in my part of the world in hopes that someone in your part will do the same.

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  18. I don't think any words could be comforting at this point, but I will pray for you and your family. I don't (and never will) understand why men cannot handle any sort of imperfection in their children. It's just sad.

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  19. I'm very sorry. As a Mom of a disabled child that passed away last year I can't imagine my husband behaving as Tanner's father is.

    I will pray for strenght for all of you especially your daughter.

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  20. Bounced over from HBM - I am sorry, I wish I could wave me magic wand and fix it all, but we know I cant.
    Firstly, cant say enough how LUCKY Tanner, et al, are to have the support system they have.
    And B, just because he laid down to make Tanner, it doesnt make him his father. It just makes him there. Would suggest a better name is sperm donor. Dee's words are true, men cannot handle any imperfection in their kids, I think it goes back to some primordial urge. My belief is it just makes them SCUM.
    Love to Tanner and mum and sending good karma, juju and strength.

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  21. I'm all for the ball-ripping. I understand that some men can't handle it when their kids are sick, but to turn your back completely? There are no words for what I think of this... person. (He's no man, that's for sure.) Take comfort in the fact that he will pay for it someday. We reap what we sow. He WILL pay for it, hopefully sooner than later. (I tell myself this every single day; it is how I deal with my sorry ass ex.)

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  22. I am so sorry to hear this - I cannot even imagine how overwhelmed your daughter is - how sad you are for her and your grandson. I'm sure you are a wonderful mother and grandmother and that your daughter feels your support. I will give you all my positive thoughts...

    PS: Tanner's father is an idiot. I hope he comes to terms with this while he can still help - or he'll live to regret it (I'm sure).

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  23. My heart breaks for you and your family. Halfway through reading your post I got up and hugged my toddler son, who's walking around playing with his toys. I wish there were words of comfort that I could share with you. Instead I will keep your words in my heart and try to do my best to reach out to others.

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  24. I don't think you can even call the man who donated sperm, Tanner's "father"...how horrible. To turn your back on your child when he most needs you...unimaginable.

    You rant away, and my heart goes out to you, Chrissy , Catherine the rest of your remarkable family as you deal with this heartache.

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  25. Your daughters and grandchildren are so lucky to have you. My heart just breaks for Tanner and for the rest of you grieving along with him. I cannot even imagine your frustration with his father. He is missing out on so many wonderful things by not being able to deal with his own fears and immaturity. But I hope that through your readers and Catherine's readers, at least someone in a similar situation learns something and handles it differently. You are being an amazing support in the best way you can by helping give Chrissy a break...and for loving Tanner so much.

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  26. ((((hugs)))) Chrissy and Tanner are blessed to have you in their lives.

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  27. Unfortunately the statistics are high when it comes to parents separating when there is a child with special needs. It doesn't make it right that he is like that and I believe in karma. I don't know what I would do without my DH there at the end of the day-even if we disagree on the whats and hows of our child's "special needs". And his care is not even close to what Tanner's is. I'm sorry-for all that's worth. And too bad for the prick to not know the joy of Tanner-which includes the good and the bad. In the long run he is the one who will have missed the most.

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  28. thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. Your prayers worked last year when Zachary was so ill. His recovery was a miracle, so I know God listens and Chrissy will feel the love and support being sent to her. Thank you.
    Her Bad Grandma

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  29. Hugs. I wish I could do more.
    You and your entire family are amazing people.

    Deadbeat dads of all shape and forms should be castrated and thrown to sharks.

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  30. My heart goes out to all of you. I wish I had something more profound to say.

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  31. I have an autistic son (Check out my blogs!) and I can tell you that I would LOVE to have some help. You are a Godsend to your daughter.

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  32. May you (all) find the people who will support you. May you find the peace you need in the good moments behind and still before you. May your former son-in-law find strenth and compassion before he inherits a lifetime of regret. May Tanner know how fiercely he is loved. May these wishes lighten your burden just a little bit.

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  33. This makes me want to rip a phone book in half. If you ever need help with the ball ripping, give me a call. I'll hold down the asshole. As for Tanner... I'd have a playdate with him if I could. We'd play Candyland or Chutes and Ladders or checkers or chess and it would be cooler than anything.

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  34. Who wouldn't be bitter in this situation? You sound like a kick-ass Grandma ... your family is so lucky to have you in their lives. Your entire family is in my thoughts and prayers. Chrissy, from one mother of a special needs kid to another, keep your head up. There are many days when I feel like I cannot make it another second ... but I do. Somehow. And you will too. Your son is a complete and perfect gift from God. Cherish your time with him ...

    And seriously ... karma is a bitch. You know eventually that creep will completely get his.

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  35. What kills me is reading "he has no friends". My heart hurts for you, Tanner, and the rest of the family. I'll be his friend. Hug him for me, please?

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  36. Fuck. this is just so wrong. Can we send him video messages or something? E cards? Cards? I know a guy who has a blog, his little girl has cancer and we all sent video messages saying hello and telling her we love her and whatnot.

    If you want to, I'd be happy to say hi!

    roneydapony@aol.com

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  37. Will you be my Grandma?

    What you do for Chrissy, Tanner and the rest of your family is priceless and makes such a tremendous difference.

    It's hardest to watch those we love suffer.

    The asshole will get what he deserves in the end, but if you need any help ripping and shoving those withered useless balls he has, you just give me a call.

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  38. I wish I could wrap Chrissy and her beautiful son in a great big huge hug right now - I hope they know how many people are rooting for them.

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  39. You should be angry. The way her ex-husband is acting is simply inexcusable. And morally reprehensible. Thank goodness she has you and C to fight for her when she's too tired to keep going.

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  40. All I can think is I need to get my ass out to BC so my kids can meet Tanner.

    I take for granted my husband and his acceptance and willingness to not only father his own biological extremely disabled son but to take on and adopt another boy with extreme disabilities once our son passed away.

    I forget that not all men are as wonderful as my husband. This post reminded me of that.

    Thank you.

    I wish I could kick Chrissy's ex in the nuts for you and educate him on how a real man parents a child with disabilities. Sadly though, I don't think this man is capable of changing.

    I just wish I could help.

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  41. Nothing meaningful to say except that I'm here, I stopped by and I read this, that the injustice has been noted and hated by just one more person.

    I admire your strength for having been an advocate and done what you did all those 20 years. I've considered it as a profession but knew that I couldn't do it - not because I didn't care enough, but that I cared too much and knew I didn't have the emotional strength that would have enabled me to do what it took and be useful in that way. So I wanted to say thanks for your years of service, being the person who could get it done. Thanks.

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  42. May profound peace and light enter through the cracks in your hearts.

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  43. If you get the prick's balls ripped off, Olean, Missouri is having their annual "Testicle Festivle" this weekend. You could have them deep-fried and then served to him on a paper plate. What a shit.... You're being a wonderful mother and grandmother!

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  44. This is so, so wrong. My thoughts are with Chrissy, Tanner and your whole family... :(

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  45. My heart and prayers are with Tanner, Chrissy and all of your family.

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  46. Tanner deserves better. So does Chrissy. I'm glad they have you and your husband to support them.

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  47. I have two large dogs who would love to rip off that man's balls. You may borrow them at any time.

    Much love to you, Chrissy, Tanner and the rest of your family.

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  48. I just happened onto your site and wanted to let you know that I am truly sorry you and your family are going through this.

    We've been trying for 10 months to get my husbands two kids out of the custody of their mother (a registered sex offender) and our legal system is just not set up to handle these cases.

    They don't get it and for that I'm sorry for you, for me, for anyone that has to be involved in something like this. When the system doesn't stand up and protect our children, nobody wins.

    I will pray for you and your family! Although I don't know Chrissy, I hope she has a nice weekend!

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  49. they are lucky to have your fierce loyalty and love and support.

    i remember when my son was first diagnosed with a fatal disease, one of the drs. told me flat out that most of these kids end up with divorced parents. i paid no attention at the time.

    and while i am married to probably THE most wonderful husband and father in the world, the disease has definitely put a significant strain on us.

    so i can only imagine that someone ill-equipped to handle life and its complications would be a complete let down to everyone involved. it's sad for him, really, that he is missing out on experiencing the precious time he could have with tanner.

    and i don't need to tell you that chrissy and the kids are better off without him. i say continue to be mad at him. he's an excellent target. i imagine as your heart breaks, your anger grows... why not aim it at someone that deserves it.

    really, i just wanted to offer some words of comfort to a stranger... i hope it worked.

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  50. Oh, this breaks my heart. I love my kids at Muscular Dystrophy camp, and I wish so much that Tanner could come to the US to hang out for a day or so at camp with me this summer. I wish there were camps in Canada for Tanner. I wish Tanner could do all the things that other kids do. I wish for so much, and I understand how much it hurts to tell him that he can't do the things he wants. It truly breaks my heart. It really breaks my heart.

    It makes me angry to see that his dad doesn't want to step up and be a father. It makes me angry that his dad is being an ass. It makes me want to take action against his father for turning his back on such a sweet sweet boy.

    I wish I could do something- anything to help. And if there is anything I can do, please please let me know. I am willing to do anything I can. I might just have to make some videos of the kids at camp this summer talking to Tanner and send them your way. I want to do something- please tell me what I can do.

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  51. Tanner & Chrissy are lucky to have you. My heart goes out to you all.

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  52. Because life isn't fair I don't know what to say here. I just want to tell you that you are such a fierce and loving mother and grandmother and you're right- that man who fathered Tanner is obviously an extremely unenlightened human being who doesn't deserve the title "father."
    At all.
    Bless you. Bless Chrissy and her children. All of them. I'm not going to offer any "god only gives us what we can handle" bullshit but I will say that somehow we poor humans seem to struggle our way through it all. Somehow. We may not come out whole, but we manage.
    You're there for your daughter and her children with all your fierce love.
    That helps.

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  53. Oh God. *hugs for you ALL*

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  54. "Useless as tits on a bull" is the saying here in New Zealand.

    My heart goes out to you all.

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  55. I see where Catherine gets her spirit. I'm sure it glows through to your wonderful grandchildren. Tanner is lucky to have that spirit in him.

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  56. My heart goes out to you and your family. As a mother, and one that has had significant experience with special olympics, I am teaching my children empathy and acceptance of those that are disabled. I only wish other parents were the same. I also wish so many parents choose to walk away as if it is an option. Chrissy needs support. She deserves it. Tanner, Zachary, and Sophie deserve it. It is too much for one to handle. I hope she feels the arms of support of those following this story around her. And I hope that you find comfort as well.

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  57. I'm so sad for you and your family. I came here from Her Bad Mother, where I've read about Tanner's illness for the past few months. Wishing you all the best.

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  58. This is such sadness, such injustice. Best wishes to you and to your family. I wish there were something wiser that I could say.

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  59. happytobesinglemotherJune 6, 2009 at 6:48 AM

    There is a place on Danforth Rd. and Birchmount called Varity Village. It's a huge gym for kids and adults of all abilities. They have lots of programs and support groups that could help Tanner and his mother. Tanner would meet kids his own age with MD and learn to be a confident happy challenged human being. I believe it is a little expensive challenged children get a huge discount. It's well worth the money!!!

    I'm a single mother with a dead beat father as well. I'm happier without him around, I don't have to worry about looking after him as well. Less dishes, laundry, and picking up after him. Life is so much easier.;)

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  60. How can he be so callous? It is wonderful to hear you rant and rave here on behalf of your daughter... Her situation is definitely overwhelming for anyone.

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  61. {{hugs}} Her Bad Gramma. {{hugs}} Chrissy.

    There are no words to be written that can make this any easier for any of you - but my prayers are honest.

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  62. Dang, now you've done it. I will be saying Hail Marys and Our Fathers for months now, as penance for the swear words and vicious desire to inflict bodily injury on That Man.

    I'm so sorry, Grandma. Prayers are being said as I write this. Please know your whole family has the blogosphere's love and support.

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  63. Delurking to say: I'll kick your daughter's Ex in the nuts if you kick my daughter's Ex in his nuts....;-) For Real!!! I understand your pain...and my heart breaks for Chrissy and her kids. Some men should never be fathers. I just don't understand how these fathers can do the things they do, knowing the affects it will have on the children. I really just don't get it. Hoping the best for you all.....

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  64. Thinking of you all and wish that there was more that could be done. Although I might know some scary people who could give the sperm donor an attitude adjustment. Stay strong and vent as much as you want we WILL listen

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  65. Oh, this really breaks my heart. Let me say, that if Tanner was not on the other side of our country, my kids would LOVE tp have play dates with him. The line you wrote about most parents being as cruel as their children really bothered me. I am disheartened to hear this because I think that we should all be teaching our children that everyone is different and deserves our respect.

    As for the ex husband, sounds like he does need an ass kicking....

    So sorry for you, your daughter and mostly darling Tanner.

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  66. I am no stranger to deadbeat dads. My children & I lived without the help of their father since they where very young. When they where sick he was nowhere to be found, and financially, forget it. I always had to be mom & dad both.

    Serving this creep up to you on a silver platter would be an honor for me, but it would not take care of the problem at hand. Tanner & your daughter both deserve better than that.

    The only sensible thing to do is to take him back to court for failure to paying child support when he is suppose to, or whatever else the court ordered him to pay.

    Be grateful he is no longer a rolemodel for your grandson. A good ass kicking would definately release a lot of tension, and he deserves more than that, but it would not change who he is.

    I am not your typical grandmother either, but it does not make me bad. You are not bad. Like me, you are unique. You are yourself. You think out of the box. And when you love, you love with all that you are.

    You are a gift to your family and I will not forget all of you in your time of need.

    Bless you....

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  67. Years ago, I was an aide to a quadraplegic man. I have always been a compassionate person -- or so I thought. When I began to try and take him out, to do simple things together like go to lunch in a public restaurant...well, my eyes were opened to the shortcomings of our fellows (read: how cruel we can be).

    I will force myself not say I am sorry for you-- pity does not help here. I am in awe of your strength and power as a mother, grandmother and woman, and thank God that you and your daughter are the magnificent examples of being human that you are.

    Tanner is so blessed.

    I hope that this is the worst day of your future, and that laughter and miracles abound from now on!

    Many blessings, deep and wide.
    Kimberely

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  68. I wish you and your family much strength on your journey. I only hope to be an aware person the rest of my life.

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  69. The father should have his balls removed...plain and simple. The fact that Chrissy is doing this all on her own, well, she's my idol and I think she's amazing. As for Tanner having no friends, it breaks my heart. Sometimes, I really hate people.

    Praying very hard for your family right now...

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  70. i am so sorry for your daughter. what a heart wrenching ordeal for your family to go through. your ex son in law is a shite! shame on him for leaving it all up to your daughter.he sucks!

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  71. My heart breaks for you, for your daughters, for your grandkids, when I read about Tanner. I feel glad that he has such an amazing family that loves him so much, but at the same time I cannot possibly imagine the pain you are feeling for your daughter and grandson. (Hugs)

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  72. My heart gave that familiar ache as I read your story, the ache I know is the one we get when our kids and our grandchildren are hurting and we wish it was us instead, we wish we could help with impossible, we wish we could throw something at someone to fix it.. I love your fierceness in your love, you desperate longing to HELP somehow. And if you are a "bad grandma" then I guess I am too!! I"ll proudly join your club!!

    PS if this doesn't make total sense I did finally take a sleeping pill after a four hour marathon talk with my son ( husband and daddy to one with one in the oven) and those are darned special...but exhaustingly.

    I just "met" you today but I like you a lot! Lets have coffee and brownies ( screw that stupid diet!

    Linda

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  73. Oh! I can't tell you how much I'm thinking of all of you. You're right: it's NOT right. None of it is right. But what strength you're showing the little ones. Amazing strength. Even if it doesn't feel like it.

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  74. Damn. I am just so sorry. If I could do one thing it would be this, you don't ever have to apologize for calling a jack ass a jack ass. Wish I could do more.

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  75. if we were in canada, we would totally be tanners friends, and i'd stuff my kids in little wheelchairs and we would have wheelchair races and have all the fun in the world.

    i also am a hater of injustices, and of prick fathers who equate child support with "renting" the child and "getting their money's worth", and i think even if you did corner him and shove his own dismembered balls in his mouth, it wouldn't be as damaging to him as being lonely and childless(hopefully many)years from now when he can't face himself because he allowed his child to suffer more heartache than handicap could dish out,having been rejected by his own father. when tanner is skipping rocks by the river and playing soccer in a much happier place, where children don't get sick and know sadness and suffering beyond their years, i hope the weight of the shame is like a boulder on his empty chest. and i'm sorry you have to be a helpless witness to the injustice of hard life on your children and grandchildren.

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  76. I just came across your daughter's blog and came to this post. Broke my heart. I want to give you all a bug huge hug. And stuff his balls down his throat. Makes me sick. You are an awesome mother/grandmother. They are lucky to have you. My thoughts are with you all.

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  77. I have read your daughter's blog for months and I've glanced at yours for nearly as long. Thank you for writing this. Thank you for demonstrating that grandmothers are more than just that woman who bakes you cookies or who babysits. She is also one who will fight for you. For no other reason than she loves you.

    Thank you.

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  78. My son was born with Down Syndrome when I was 17 years old. His dad split, of course. We didn't even know where he was for many years. Life was hard. Of course for a time I was angry, and I was bitter, and I wanted to shove his balls down his throat. Who wouldn't?

    The years kept coming and going and somewhere along the line the anger faded. I couldn't pinpoint when exactly, but I gradually began to realize that what I feel for my son's father now is the most profound pity you could ever fathom. This man missed out on the opportunity of a lifetime. He missed out on watching the greatest kid who ever walked the earth (ok I'm a little biased) grow up. He missed out on so many incredibly awesome things, he missed out on a billion mundane things, and he missed out on crappy things; whatever. The bottom line is that he missed out. I got to be there for every glorious (or not so glorious) minute and he missed out. He will never regain what he missed and he will never know the joy that I've known. What a tremendous loss for him. He may not even realize it, but that's not the point. I know it, and that's enough for me.

    It feels good for the anger to be gone; I feel lighter and free. I suspect that it probably couldn't continue to exist and thrive in the environment of love and joy created by my special guy.

    Sometimes there is peace and strength to be found in knowing you've done the right thing, knowing you've done your best, and knowing that you have a special bond with one of the greatest kids in the world that nothing can ever tarnish. Anyone who misses out on that is to be pitied.

    So, you know, food for thought from a totally random internet stranger that stumbled across your blog in an odd series of circumstances...

    I don't mean any disrespect. We are all entitled to feel the emotions we feel and I don't mean to tell you how to feel, I just thought I'd share my story in case it helps any.

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