Sunday, April 5, 2009

Cabin Fever And Strippers, Oh My

This has been a bad day, just the most recent in a series of bad days.

I need it to stop snowing, I need the temperature to rise above 0 degrees. I need the flowers to bloom. I need a self-cleaning house. I need to lose ten pounds. I need my husband to fuck off and take the cats with him. I need SPRING!!

At first I thought I was going through (God forbid) another phase – I mean, how many phases does a person go through in one lifetime. I have experienced childbirth, raising children, empty nest syndrome, divorces, grandchildren, menopause, and retirement. I figure I've just about run the gamut of transitional phases – so what is going on? Is it cabin fever or am I certifiable? I'm opting for cabin fever.

This condition is not treatable with wine. I tried that last night with a girlfriend. The best thing to come out of our foray into the vineyard was a funny story about my daughter that I had forgotten. My friend and I were swapping stories about life, love, old age, husbands, and male strippers.

I have never been to a place where there were male strippers but, many years ago my daughter brought one home. I got up one morning and there he was, sitting in my dining room! He wasn't your stereotypical stripper – he was quite scrawny, but as I was later informed by my daughter “they have ways of compensating for lack of physical presence.”** As I shared my male stripper story with my friend, the image of a scrawny protuberance with a rubber band almost sobered me up. We had another glass of wine.

Cabin fever can make you crazy.


** Ed. note: he wasn't a male stripper, exactly, and I hadn't exactly brought him home. I was 17, and he was a friend - a very gay friend - who had been kicked out of his home and who was working amateur strip nights at Vancouver bars to try to kick-start what he thought - mistakenly, given his build - would be a lucrative career. He was one of many strays I brought home. Mom only liked them if they were colorful. He qualified.


21 comments:

  1. I don't even have a cat and I may say this line to a friend soon: "I need my husband to fuck off and take the cats with him. I need SPRING!!" Brilliant.

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  2. Oops - let's hope spring comes soon for you!!

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  3. Methinks Catherine doth protest too much.... ;)

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  4. I think you're my brand of crazy.

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  5. Suburban Turmoil - it's called DEFLECTION. am hoping that she won't tell any stories about the real strippers ;)

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  6. I love this, and though my mom now lives with me (!!) if she started to move into the blogosphere, too, I'm not sure how she'd react. On the other hand, she might blog all those thoughts I see rushing across her face, unspoken, in response to something I do that makes her nuts, so it might just be a good thing.

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  7. Ok, in the world of Freudian slips, that was a good one. What I meant to say was,"...if she started to move into the blogosphere, too, I'm not sure how I"D react."

    Yikes.

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  8. I am so glad that Paige retweeted this. Hysterical!

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  9. my darling daughter, I can't post anything abnout real strippers because I (unlike you) have never seen one and I don't think, in my lifetime, I'll have time to write stories about me because I have too many good ones about you and your sister - you are the motherlode!
    love Mom (aka her bad grandma)

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  10. Mom, you saw real strippers at my bachelorette party. You've forgotten that already?

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  11. I've never seen an attractive male stripper - what's with that??

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  12. Is it weird that for some reason, I feel like I would be more comfortable around female than male strippers?!

    Thought for the day.. hmm...

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  13. I often tell my cat to go fuck herself... every once in awhile I would feel bad about it, until my mother told me that my great-grandmother (who really really loved her pets) would often swear at them. Once I realized it was genetic, I stopped feeling bad about it. :) You can see a picture of the aforementioned cat on my blog. :)

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  14. heheh! 'Bad mom' seems to be letting out more than she would like!!

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  15. I love it!
    My aunt went to Hawaii on year on a trip and during her time there, a bunch of the ladies attended a party, of sorts, and low and behold one of the "male entertainers" was a young man who had grown up a few blocks from her! She was absolutely floored! He had been a friend of one of her kids and she was shocked to see him "dancing"!

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  16. Ahh, what a great story. Always wonderful to hear of good people providing a waystation to kick-out gay kids. (Seriously)

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  17. Lol, the first time I saw male dancers I blushed throught their entire show...and nearly peed myself when one came up and started gyrating on me.

    Since then I've gotten much better....not that I've made it a nightly, weekly or even monthly habit to go see the "boys" but every now and then I'll go with my girls..usually when I have a boyfriend to then blow off my excess "energy" lol

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