I haven't been able to write anything for almost a week. I have been emotionally spent. Yesterday I read my daughter's heartrending blog and my heart wept again - for the families of those precious little souls who were taken too soon, and for my family - for what is yet to come.
Every time I read or hear about the death of a child, or the pain and suffering of a child, or of a child who, because of a disease, will never experience the pride of graduating from school, the anticipation of a first date, the excitement of first love, the joy of marriage and children, the contentment of growing old surrounded by family, and dying in peace, I ask God why.
There are millions of people in this world who do not question God – I am not one of them.
I believe in God, in his only Son, in Mary and all the saints , but there are times when I am angry with God. My audacity scares me - but, there are things I can not accept unquestioningly, willingly or with thanks.
I cannot accept unquestioningly that God would give parents the precious gift of a child and then abruptly take His gift away.
I cannot accept it is God 's will that my beautiful, innocent grandson die slowly, piece by piece.
There have been many times during my life that I have felt His presence and been thankful for blessings received.
This is not one of those times.
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I feel the same way right now. It all started when I miscarried my baby, then it happened to my friend, then the events of the last week with Maddie and Thalon, ending with Catherine's post about Tanner. I feel that enough is enough.
ReplyDeleteI think this is why religions so often discourage questioning- because there are no answers to be found in any religion about things of such profound wrongness.
ReplyDeleteAmen.
ReplyDeleteI grew up in a very religious environment. Learned never to question Him and that "everything happens for a reason". After moving out into my own apartment, I was able to see the world in a new, objective light. My eyes were opened to the suffering and injustice. Bad things happen to good people. Good things happen to bad people. Can't figure out why and feel like I'll go crazy if I continue to try to figure out these "reasons" people speak of. Sometimes I wish I could close my eyes again.
I think questioning God is one of our rights as people given free will. I sent your daughter a link to a post about my own loss, and some of the gifts it has given -- almost six years later. I hope she shares it with you. I don't think it will answer your questions. I don't think there are answers. My heart breaks for your family.
ReplyDeleteciao,
rpm
It is okay to be angry and have doubts and questions...He's strong, He can take it. I wish things were different, I wish there were words to heal your pain or change the outcomes. I'm holding your family close in my thoughts and prayers, but it just isn't enough.
ReplyDeleteIn the Bible, God does not get angry with Job for questioning him. But God does give Job the very unsatisfying answer that is the only answer if you are to keep believing in God in the face of evil: That his ways are not our ways, and who are we to question what he does or what he allows? The very reason that I cling to Jesus is exactly because this world is filled with evil and pain and so many things that are just NOT RIGHT. Any religion or philosophy that tries to make death not so bad is bullshit. (Sorry, that is harsh, but it is what I feel to be true.) Death is horrible, and that is why I believe Jesus came. He came to DESTROY death, not to make it palatable. Love wins in the end.
ReplyDeleteMany thanks again to you and to Catherine.
I've been following you (bad grandma? her bad mother?) on twitter and didn't realize what was happening in your life. I'm so sorry to hear about this. My heart aches for you.
ReplyDeleteI sat in church on Easter Sunday and could not pray. I haven't been able to since Maddie. I want to but can't see how a loving God can do this. I am with you. I have faith, but it is hard to believe in it right now. Thank you for saying what many of us have been thinking.
ReplyDeleteThis would be one (of many) reason(s) that I am an atheist.
ReplyDeleteI have learnt to accept God's presence. He has shown me more than once that He exists. I have always questioned him... and not got answers most of the time, so you could say that we have a very tense relationship! I think He just does not have the answers to your questions... He cannot have!
ReplyDeleteSorry, that was not comforting to you at all.
I just found you and your daughter's sights and have been checking in. I was so saddened by the deaths of these two sweet children and can not imagine the pain their parents are feeling. Not even knowing these families, it still brings a terror to your soul. Bringing thoughts of "what if" it was my daughter, even though she if grown, or my new grand daughter. I don't know if I would survive. It makes you hold on tighter to what you have, but hurts your heart at the same time.
ReplyDeleteIt is ok to question when things like this happen. I think you are a wonderful woman, mother, and grandmother. I hope you find all the answers to your questions and you and your heart can be at peace.
I read and lurk at your daughters site. I lost a brother very young and lived my life *wondering why my brother. Now as grandma I also wonder why? Why any child!!Praying for your family.
ReplyDeletei often wish i could have faith as a part of my life, but things like children suffering horrible illnesses and worse prevent me from from being a true believer. i wish i could somehow reconcile that.
ReplyDeleteIt is hard to work through tragedy in faith, I agree. My son was born with some life-threatening (but luckily fixable) issues, and then my brother broke his back and is confined to a wheelchair. I, too, ask God what the hell He thinks He is doing, and even offer suggestions on how He could do better. I figure if HE made me, He knows my questioning and frustrated personality, and won't be too angry with honest questions.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you, your grandson, and your daughter from a "Bad" Caregiver (if not nearly so cool as you).
Regarding your audacity to be mad at God, my friend since childhood has the right idea. When her and her husband fight, he has a tendency to say she doesn't love him. Her response? "I never said I don't love you. I just don't like you very much right now." I will always remember that!
ReplyDelete